We’ve all been there. Had a bad day, a bad week, and then subsequently a disagreement with a loved one. Now what? What happens when things go off the rails? How do you come back together after you’ve had a pitfall in your relationship? How does your relationship rebound after a disagreement?

We were recently asked about how to rebound after a disagreement by one of our Retirement Transformed Facebook Community members. This is something that hits close to home, as Jody and I are always looking at better ways to communicate and resolve conflicts in our relationship. One area that we are working on is coming back quicker to each other. This is especially challenging for me. It’s the classic heading off to the cave, ignoring the situation and setting up camp for days. This tactic doesn’t work well and it often leads to one small disagreement becoming a much bigger problem. So, how do you come back quicker?

Remember the intention. With some help from a counselor, we have come to realize that neither of us would ever intend to hurt each other’s feelings. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of hanging on to the words of the disagreement, but if you focus in on the intention, you may just find that the feelings behind the disagreement are more important than the words or expression that were used during the conflict.

It’s also important not to judge the person or discount their feelings. When the time comes to come back together to discuss the disagreement, it’s important to acknowledge that the feelings that were expressed are real. This comes back to reacting vs. responding, a topic we’ve discussed, and will be writing about in our next blog post. When you respond to your loved one after a disagreement you are regulating your reactions.

Apologize and own what you did was wrong, or maybe its only necessary to own the fact that you didn’t explain yourself very well. However, do not apologize if you don’t genuinely feel sorry, that can further ignite the situation. Be sure that you have taken the time to truly access one another’s feelings.

Forgive. Forgiveness is on the of the most powerful tools you have to show care and concern. Tell your loved one, “I have forgiven you.” This simple message is one of the most important expressions to help rebound after a disagreement and get you back to feeling connected again.

We have discovered some great tools that help Jody and I better understand ourselves and characteristics that highlight how we may respond to different scenarios. You can take a free assessment on the ViaCharacter website here. The results for us were not too surprising; however, they did shed some light on the ways that Jody and I communicate after a disagreement. For instance, Jody’s #1 characteristic is Kind and #24 is Forgiveness. For me, my #1 is Forgiveness. You can see how opposite we are on Forgiveness. It’s highly important to me, and not so much to Jody. This is something for us to consider in the priority of coming back together after a disagreement. Clearly, I will want an apology or will offer forgiveness. For Jody, she will want to move forward with kindness and might consider an apology disingenuous.

Always remember time is also important here. Everyone gets through challenges in their own time.

We’d love to hear from you. How quickly do you rebound after a disagreement? Do you have any tips to share?